Memory of a Lost Love

Isaac Rosenberg stared out of the bus window and into the line of trees and houses that sped by in a colorful blur.  He was amazed at how everything has managed to change in time. At the early retirement age of 63, he has witnessed it all. The age of rock and roll and drugs, the birth of computers, the Vietnam and Gulf wars…  Yet no matter how much the world has changed, traces of the past would still linger. And what he is about to do now is revisit a past that had so long remain buried within memory.  

If his 3 kids could only see him now, they would be astounded seeing their Papa traveling interstate alone. Ever since his wife, Judith died of cancer last year, he mostly kept to himself and only left the house to hear mass at the synagogue and buy some groceries. He would clean the house, listen to the radio and do a lot of reading. He has so much time on his hands with the kids all settled down, his retirement and his wife gone, that he hasn’t anticipated looking and finding for things to do.  His kids have insisted that he take a vacation with the neighbors since he’s strong enough but he flatly refused.  However, this time alone with himself has enabled him to ponder and wonder that they may be right. He’s too old to be throwing chances away. And now he has embarked on that grand vacation--but alone and with a purpose.

His mind drifted back 45 years ago to a point in time where his heart has come alive…

Year 1965

It was his freshman year in college when he met Clara Davis. He was strolling along the campus park one day when he spotted a woman drawing on her easel by the giant oak tree.  With her back turned to him, he paused to take a peek out of curiosity.  Then she suddenly whirled around and his heart almost screeched to a grinding halt when their eyes met. She was like an apparition of Venus. Her beauty could devastate a king and even a god.  Her hair was a golden brown tumbling down her shoulders in silken waves. Her eyes were like sparkling pools of sapphire.  And her lips, like a cupid’s bow, were a beautiful shade of crimson. 

Her eyes widened in surprise. “Oh, I’m so sorry!  I was expecting someone. I thought you’re Sandy.” He was so stunned and flustered at that moment that he found it almost impossible to utter any comprehensible word. When he didn’t respond, she giggled. “By the way, my name’s Clara Davis. What’s yours?”  She held out her hand. 

“Uh, I-Isaac. Isaac R-Rosenberg.” He finally managed to say in a choked whisper.  He took her hand for a brief handshake and felt his heart leapt.  “Well, I better head to the library. I didn’t mean to interrupt you. Sorry.” He was so flustered that he immediately took off just before he heard say “Well, it’s nice to meet you, Isaac!” He wanted to kick himself for acting like some dumbfounded school-boy.

After that, he couldn’t seem to get her out of his mind and thought he was going nuts. It only seemed to make matters worse when they met in the library a month after.

He was busy researching for an Algebra homework, when he heard a voice at his table. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.  Do you have a pen? I hope I can borrow it for just a sec.”

He looked up and found himself staring again at a pair of sparkling pools of sapphire blue eyes.  He was so stunned that he forgot what she just asked.

“Cat got your tongue?” Clara asked, amused.

He dragged himself back to reality and smiled sheepishly. “I’m sorry. I must have blacked out. Here’s a pen”. He stood up and handed her one of his pens.

“Thanks!” She started scribbling down on a piece of paper when she briefly glanced up at him and giggled. “You know, you might need to slow down a bit on your reading then. Blacking out in the library can be a serious issue.”

He laughed. “I’ll keep that in mind.” He cleared his throat. “By the way, my name’s Isaac.”

She smiled. “I know. You’re the guy peeping at me by the giant oak tree.” She suddenly stopped scribbling and handed him back his pen. “Thank you very much. I gotta go now. Bye”. She started walking out of the library before he had time to say anything else. He was hooked.

Soon after that he started looking for her in every class they shared. He would stare and admire from a distance, yet he never dared approach her or make his presence known. Just seeing her beautiful face and the way she smile and move was already enough to brighten his day. Beside the fact that a dull, simple guy like him could never interest a smart, sophisticated woman like Clara, he knew he could never be a part of her world nor would she be a part of his. Being the eldest and the only son in a Jewish family of 3, he carried with him the biggest responsibility of perpetuating their bloodline as he carries with him their family name and by doing so he has to marry in accordance to his parents’ plan.  It has been a tradition that they only marry within their Jewish community and who wishes otherwise will be harshly punished and banished for life.  

He was 13 years old when his mother talked to him about his betrothal to a Jewish girl named Judith Feldman. The Feldmans have close ties with his family ever since his forefathers have settled in America a long time ago, hence by the time he and Judith were born (and Judith was a year younger than him), their fate has been sealed… They are to be married right after he graduate from college. 

Judith was a nice, sweet girl and they have been friends since childhood. In fact, he was privileged enough to meet and get to know his bride for a long time whereas it has been a tradition for men with his disposition to see their bride for the first time on their wedding day. Being an obedient son, he had accepted his fate a long time ago. He grew fond of Judith and believed that their union would further strengthen the ties of both their families. He’s just a simple man and his responsibility to his family has always been his priority in life.

It was so unexpected that he suddenly found himself in a position where he gets infatuated over a college girl that he hardly knew and much worse not from his kin. He knew it was a pointless endeavor but he couldn’t stop thinking about her. He wanted to be with her, feel her and know everything about her but his duty to his family was the one that always held him back. Besides he would only be making a fool of himself, chasing after a girl he could never have and more or less would never want him back.

It was sophomore year when they met again and it was at a beach party thrown by one of his friends. He was strolling around looking for a nice place to sit and drink alone on that late afternoon when he noticed a girl sitting all by herself near a sand dune. Normally he would have just gone straight ahead without a word (as he was not really much of a social person) but that tumble of golden brown wavy hair whipping against the wind was just too familiar to be missed.

Perhaps it was the beer that he has been downing that gave him the sudden surge of courage that he needed to approach the girl that has been haunting him ever since he’d laid eyes on her. 

“Would you mind if I sit down with you?” He asked and couldn’t believe himself that he just said that.

Clara looked up and was startled to see him at first but she instantly smiled. “No, be my guest.”

He sat down next to her and found himself at a loss for words. So he said the first thing that ever came to his mind. “Beautiful beach, huh?” He suddenly wished he had said something more profound than that.

She grinned. “It’s perfect. I could just sit here and stare at the beach for hours. It’s just so relaxing to watch the waves crashing over the water.  There’s this sense of overpowering tranquility and if you listen closely enough, you can actually hear the voice of the sea.”  She laughed as she saw Isaac’s stunned face.  “You might think I’m crazy now. I must tell you that I have a very wild imagination.” 

Isaac shook his head and gave a sheepish grin. “Nope, far from it actually. I’m the one who has zero imagination.”  When that only ensued another burst of laughter from Clara, he plunged on with the question, “So if you could be anywhere right now, where would you be?”

Clara cocked her head to one side and the moment she did that, she just looked so irresistibly beautiful. “I’ll probably go off right on the very top of the Eiffel Tower and from there I’ll do a painting of the entire city.” She smiled and her eyes bored through him, “So how about you? Where would you want to be anywhere right now?”

He was so busy memorizing every crevice and line of her beautiful profile that he almost didn’t hear her question and has to pretend that he was busy thinking for an answer. After a long pause, he finally replied. “If I could be anywhere right now, I’d want to be in one of those big European palaces with sprawling colorful gardens where I could imagine with the person I love that we’re king and queen of that place and she can have anything I own. “ He grinned sheepishly, “I know it sounds lame.”

She shook her head and eyed him thoughtfully. “I disagree. For a person who has no imagination, you’re quite good.” She paused for a moment and then her eyes brightened. “C’mon, there’s something I want you to see.” She began to stand up. 

As if in a dream, he let himself being led out of the beach, back to the campus and into one of the university studios in the Art department located at the far south wing. They entered one and Clara pulled the covers off from one of the paintings.

“I just finished this one yesterday. Normally I don’t let anyone get to see my work till the exhibit but I’m making an exception today.”  She smiled mischievously. “I actually consider this as my most provocative work to date.”

Isaac stared at the painting and couldn’t agree more. It almost took his breath away. In the painting was a figure of a naked woman lying on her bed with a thin strip of transparent cloth just barely covering her hips, her legs bent in a cross-legged position. One arm raised to her head and the other one dangling from the side of the bed. Her thick and long golden red hair hung loosely over her chest, mostly covering her breasts. And her face, it was the face of a woman in longing with her eyes half-closed and her lips in an almost whisper.

He didn’t know but perhaps it was the booze, the eroticism of the painting, the stillness of that night, the closeness of her presence and their seclusion from the rest of the world that have prompted him to act on his desire on this woman who’s been driving him mad since the first time he saw her by the giant oak tree.

“So, what do you think?” Clara eyed him questioningly. 

“Beautiful… Like you.” He muttered hoarsely and took a step forward till there’s only an inch of a space between them. Clara didn’t say anything and could only stare at him, her blue eyes big with wonder. 

The air between them was suddenly charged and he could hear her deep ragged breaths. With his heart hammering in his chest, he started to bend his head down. His lips were just a fraction of an inch away from hers when the door suddenly swung open. They both jumped apart as a girl came rushing to Clara.

“Clara! I’ve been looking everywhere for you! Come, Ms. Davenport is looking for you.  It has something to do with the exhibit on Thursday.” Clara hasn’t had time to object as the girl grabbed her by the arm and started pulling her away.  The girl looked back at Isaac sheepishly. “So sorry to interrupt! Don’t worry this won’t take too long.”

Isaac just gave a curt nod as Clara was rushed out from the room. Yet he no longer bothered to wait. The momentum was gone and the magic of the night has been broken.

He never dared to approach Clara after that. Whenever he saw her on the hallway or on the campus, he would just turn to the other direction. He was so determined on his intent to forget her that he barely goes out from his dorm room anymore, immersed on his school work.

It was senior year when he met her again at one of their university functions.  This time, she was accompanied by a tall and handsome dark blonde. Their eyes met and for a split second his heart leapt. He smiled and she smiled back in acknowledgement, but then she continued conversing with her blonde companion and didn’t pay any attention to him furthermore. His heart sank. He almost wished she would greet him at least. Well, he deserved it. He had been a jerk and there’s no excuse to that.

Graduation had passed. Time had flown so quickly that he almost didn’t realize his approaching wedding day. His parents and Judith’s parents were the ones doing all the necessary preparations.  He had never felt being in so much pressure in his life.  He thought of Clara and the crazy idea of wanting to meet her was so intense that he finally gave in.  He just had to see her for one last time.

He called Clara at their house before dropping by. She had been hesitant but he managed to persuade her that he really needed to talk to her.  Using his parents’ car, he fetched her and he could instantly sense the tension in her.  He didn’t waste time and drove quickly to their destination. He soon stopped at a place called Heaven’s Drive, a place where motorists usually go for a stop so they can have a breathtaking view of the entire city. It has been his favorite spot since childhood and he was happy when Clara was awestruck by the sight, her tension suddenly forgotten.

Stepping out of the car, he laid his jacket on a good spot so Clara could sit and watch the view. “It’s beautiful.” Clara breathed. 

“It is. This is where I usually go when I just want to sit and think. It helps me relax,” he said. He sat next to her, so close that their bodies were almost touching. God, how he missed her. It’s painful to know that this is going to be his last time to see her as a free man. He drew in a deep breath. As much as he wanted for this moment to last, he has to say what he came for. 

“Clara, I’m sorry for saying this to you now. But you must know… I fell in love with you the first time I saw you by the giant oak tree.  You remember?  I sneaked in behind you and you thought I was your friend Sandy.” He managed to blurt out in one breath.

Clara stared at him, dazed. Then her eyes started to shimmer with tears. There was a tremor in her voice. “You have no idea how long I yearned to hear that from you…” 

Something broke within Isaac. In a swift motion, he embraced Clara and kissed her with a fervor he never thought he possessed. Clara clung to him as he deepened his kiss, his body pressed tightly against hers.  He moved till he was on top of her, her back against the cold stone floor.  He slid his hands underneath her blouse, to the cups of her bra and to the mounds of her flesh. When he heard Clara gasped, that snapped him back to reality. 

“I’m sorry, Clara.” His heart was pounding wildly. He had not wanted to stop but he couldn’t despoil her like this—not when he’s about to be married. If only he was a free man, ready to marry at his own will. He caressed her cheek and stared sullenly into her glazed eyes. “It pains me to say this but I have to. Clara, I’m getting married tomorrow.” He wanted to cry when Clara suddenly disengaged from their embrace and started to stand up.  “I’m a Jew. It’s been an arranged marriage—“

“I’ve heard enough.” Clara cut in, her voice as glacial as ice.  “Now please take me home.” She started walking toward the car.

He ran after her and held her. “I understand that you’re angry. Please forgive me. I just had to see you and let you know how much you mean to me while I still have the chance. “

She broke down and cried for a few minutes. “Please take me home,” she managed to choke out and ran back toward the car.

He drove her home for what seemed like the longest ride of his life. When he finally stopped at her house, he turned to her and said, “I’ll never forget you, Clara. I hope you believe that.”

Clara tried to smile. “Congratulations on your wedding, Isaac.  I know you’ll make a fine husband and a father.” She instantly hopped out of the car before he could see her sobbing again.

That was the last time he saw Clara. He learned from his college friends that she got married in 1972 to a young doctor by the name of Jonathan Quinn and that they moved out to Ohio. Nothing has been heard about her since then.

Present Day

Two weeks prior to his expedition, he made some calls and was lucky enough to talk to Clara’s only daughter, Cathy. Clara’s husband died of heart attack about 6 years ago and it’s been only for over a year that Clara started showing early symptoms of Alzheimer’s disease. Cathy had to relocate to San Francisco because of her husband’s work but her mother refuse to come as she didn’t want to leave their home in Ohio. Because of her mother’s condition, she sent her to a nursing facility nearby their home. She was happy to hear that he’s planning on visiting her mom and gave him the address of the nursing care facility in Ohio.

Hence here he was on his way to St. Albert’s Nursing Home Care. The bus dropped him off at a stop a few blocks away from the nursing home so he had to walk the remaining distance. He was panting and out of breath by the time he made it to St. Albert’s.

“Can I help you, sir?” The nurse/receptionist on duty inquired.

Isaac coughed and inhaled big gulps of air before he could finally find his voice. “I’m looking for a patient by the name of Clara Davis,” he replied. When the nurse seemed to be having trouble finding the name on her list, he interjected. “I’m sorry, I’m referring to her by her maiden name. Her last name’s Quinn. Clara Quinn.”

The nurse brightened up. “Oh yes, you’re a friend of Clara’s? Here, just sign your name and follow me. She’s normally out on the garden at this time of the day.” He followed her out to the back of the building and onto a white picket-fenced garden.  There he saw a woman seated beside an oak tree, drawing onto an easel.

Isaac smiled at the familiar-looking figure. The past 45 years had only seemed like yesterday to his memory.  The nurse had pointed out that it is her favorite spot and drawing corner as well. Her drawing may no longer be as good as before during her prime due to her condition but she had been a well known artist in their town. When the nurse offered to accompany him to where Clara sat, he refused and advised that he preferred to meet her alone. She then provided a friendly warning that she might not be able to recognize him right away as she’s suffering from the early stages of Alzheimer’s disease.  He told her that he’s already aware of it and that he can take care of himself.

He advanced towards where Clara sat. With her back turned to him, he finally managed to say, “Hi Clara.”

Clara whirled around to face him and stared blankly at him. “Who are you? Do I know you?”  Isaac stared lovingly at the sight of her. Age has done nothing to expire her beauty.  Her golden brown hair which is now heavily streaked with gray still hung in silken waves around her shoulders.  And her eyes still bore the lovely shade of sapphire blue.

“Yes Clara, you know me from a long time ago. I’m Isaac. Remember in college I was the one who peeked at you by the giant oak tree when you were drawing? You thought I was your friend, Sandy, “ he said softly.

Only a blank expression returned him so he continued rambling on to jar her memory. It took a few minutes still and when Isaac thought she might no longer recall, recognition took over on Clara’s features. And when she did her eyes started welling up with tears. “Is it really you?  Could it really be you? Oh, you came back!”

Isaac took her hand in his and sat beside her. “Yes, I’ve come back. I told you the last time we met that I’ll never forget you. And I’ve kept my word.” He caressed her cheek, “And I’m here for you now and I’ll never leave you.” Upon hearing that, Clara wept and nestled her head against his shoulder.

He was happy and felt an inexplicable sense of completeness befall him. As he wrapped his arms around his beloved, he felt that finally, he has come home.