My Tragic Loss
I never knew till now that miscarrying could be so painful as to losing a child. I felt like I've been robbed of the opportunity of motherhood. All I could think of was, why did it happen to me? Could something be wrong with me?
August 27, 2014 was the most devastating day of my life. When I woke up that day to take my usual morning pee, I was shocked to find spotting on my underwear. I frantically called on my husband for support and advised my doctor. I was almost hysterical, trying desperately to remain calm and hopeful that the baby might still be safe. I was then advised by my doctor to have the ultrasound to see if the baby is truly okay.
When I was in the ultrasound room and heard the doctor utter the ominous words "No heartbeat", I felt my entire world stopped at a standstill. I broke down and cried my eyes out. How could a fetus just suddenly lose its heartbeat? There were no signs and I didn't even bleed!
I had my D/C the day after and I felt a life has been ripped out of me. I couldn't help but cry. Seeing my abdomen shrink back to its usual size has only made matters worse. My baby is totally gone. Every remnant of its tiny being has been scraped off of my womb. I literally felt like an empty hollow shell.
The days that followed were a nightmare. I couldn't get out of bed for I couldn't think of anything better to do. I'd rather sleep for in my awaken state, the tears will just flow incessantly. I was a disaster waiting to happen and I couldn't care less. My friends extended their sympathies, saying everything happens for a reason and that it was all "God's will". Instead of comfort, I can only find such words ludicrous. For what greater purpose could there be in terminating my unborn baby? I can only shake my head in wonder. I know my friends meant well but these are just empty words. Telling an atheist like me that God has a greater plan for my miscarriage was like some sick sarcastic joke. I would have preferred if I have been told that it had been an unfortunate circumstance stemming from some genetic abnormality or at least anything with a rational explanation.
Only the passage of time can help me get over this heartbreaking loss. As other mothers who have experienced miscarriage as well told me, I would have to try again and have faith in myself. I am not suffering alone and there are countless of others who managed to bounce back and get pregnant after a miscarriage. I just need to remember that I mustn't lose hope and that the joy of motherhood will eventually come knocking at my doorstep in my own due time.
August 27, 2014 was the most devastating day of my life. When I woke up that day to take my usual morning pee, I was shocked to find spotting on my underwear. I frantically called on my husband for support and advised my doctor. I was almost hysterical, trying desperately to remain calm and hopeful that the baby might still be safe. I was then advised by my doctor to have the ultrasound to see if the baby is truly okay.
When I was in the ultrasound room and heard the doctor utter the ominous words "No heartbeat", I felt my entire world stopped at a standstill. I broke down and cried my eyes out. How could a fetus just suddenly lose its heartbeat? There were no signs and I didn't even bleed!
I had my D/C the day after and I felt a life has been ripped out of me. I couldn't help but cry. Seeing my abdomen shrink back to its usual size has only made matters worse. My baby is totally gone. Every remnant of its tiny being has been scraped off of my womb. I literally felt like an empty hollow shell.
The days that followed were a nightmare. I couldn't get out of bed for I couldn't think of anything better to do. I'd rather sleep for in my awaken state, the tears will just flow incessantly. I was a disaster waiting to happen and I couldn't care less. My friends extended their sympathies, saying everything happens for a reason and that it was all "God's will". Instead of comfort, I can only find such words ludicrous. For what greater purpose could there be in terminating my unborn baby? I can only shake my head in wonder. I know my friends meant well but these are just empty words. Telling an atheist like me that God has a greater plan for my miscarriage was like some sick sarcastic joke. I would have preferred if I have been told that it had been an unfortunate circumstance stemming from some genetic abnormality or at least anything with a rational explanation.
Only the passage of time can help me get over this heartbreaking loss. As other mothers who have experienced miscarriage as well told me, I would have to try again and have faith in myself. I am not suffering alone and there are countless of others who managed to bounce back and get pregnant after a miscarriage. I just need to remember that I mustn't lose hope and that the joy of motherhood will eventually come knocking at my doorstep in my own due time.
Comments
Post a Comment